two sermonettes

March 31, 2011

Tags: feeling blue, bad knee, Ye Olde College Inn, old friends, email, dying of cancer, grace, laughter

I got up this morning feeling blue for no reason, except that I'm so fat and old and poor. Also (obviously) self-pitying. Not an appealing combination. --Oh, and then there's the bad knee, which I won't go into because nobody is interested. Not even me.

Thursday is my day off, so I made myself (more…)

guaranteed to whiten teeth in just five short minutes

March 29, 2011

Tags: orthodontia, ivory, white teeth, national obsession, plastic surgery, British teeth, Prince William

Actually, this won't.

I lied.

But I needed an attention-grabber. And there's nothing right now like instantly whiter teeth, apparently. I mean, I like white teeth just as much as the next person, but if there's such a thing as a collective national obsession, it seems we're obsessed as a society over perfect smiles. To the point (more…)

official complaint department of the universe

March 24, 2011

Tags: telephone, venting, friends, complaints

That's what I feel like.

Please, no more bad news. This has been such a rough week.

Three close and old friends phoned me last night, boom boom boom, one immediately after another, from the moment I got home from work until nearly 9:30 p.m. when at last I was able to say goodnight and go nuke my pathetic little frozen dinner entree. (more…)

letter to the man who killed himself last night

March 15, 2011

Tags: suicide, addiction, painkillers, Land Rover, nine-year-old daughter, credit card debt, Japanese tsunami

Dear D.,

Your ex-mother-in-law called me awhile ago to tell me what you've gone and done. She didn't say how you did it and I haven't asked. It doesn't matter. You just wanted to be dead and now you are.

She said she wasn't really surprised, and neither am I, when you come right (more…)

waiting for the plumber

March 3, 2011

Tags: Waiting For Godot, cold water faucet, autodidact, existentialism, Samuel Beckett

Here I sit, bathroom sink all a-leak behind me, listening for the reassuring sound of a service truck pulling up in front. Trying to impress myself with an attempted pun on WAITING FOR GODOT, except I can't come up with even a lame one. I might point out how my situation is existential if I (more…)